I toke a breath, a deep breath And I saw, that all the pieces has fallen into space I have to walk, out of this state of mind I need to distance myself from this heavenly grace! No need to know that love lives here I know that I have fallen from the pace Remember that night, so clear the sky That I could see all the joy in your face No possession, no restrictions I don’t need to leave my trace Let me out, of this mound of flesh Let my spirit out of your brace Need to learn, all the moves that I can make I have already learned, I’ve lost the race No more bending of the knees No more sugar and no more mace Wound wont fade, hurt won’t mend Heart won’t heal, love won’t chase
I grabbed the cutter and exposed the blade, and then I stabbed myself in hand, hard enough to be sure that I will remember this day for the rest of my life and the scar won’t fade away as I age. And I made a promise.
I was trembling. Chill was all over my body and I had to do something. I should confront her. So I had few steps forward. Then I stopped. All the memories started to march in front of my eyes, like the march of the penguins, in eighty below, cold and blue, yet beautiful. She was the person who probably I cared most for in the entire world. She was my entire world. She was the spirit of all goods imaginable. What she was doing was evil, but she wasn’t evil. She was so sacred to me that I didn’t even want to touch her, even want to kiss her, not to bring her down to a human level, (that’s why, if you remember, when we were alone, two times, as much as my desires wanted to have your whole body next to mine, I didn’t, not that I wasn’t a man!) maybe I was wrong. But you see, I couldn’t take a chance, to have probably sex with her, and lose my spiritual feelings towards her. She was the love of my life, and nothing could change that, even being unfaithful. And for the next ten years, in every relationship that I had, it happened, I was proved that I was right. I said ten years, because after that something extraordinary happened which is a different story, and I might get to it some other time.
My hands were shaking, or moving in search of something, and I didn’t know what. I still wanted to confront her. Then, I remembered Mohsen Makhmalbaf’s film; Nobat-e-Asheghi (Time of Love), and suddenly I saw myself having three scripts for my action. You all know the movie so you know what I am getting at. Then I knew what my hands where searching for. Being an Architectural student, I always carried my Olfa cutter with me. So I reached for it in my backpack.
It was almost two years after the war was ended, but the UN soldiers were still in there, not quite sure what they were doing, probably picking up Iranian girls!
Oh! did I just reveal the whole story? Well, you might as well know it now because that’s not the point. So many other things that I am about to say are not the point either, but I have to say them because you should know why they are not the point.
what amazes me is your bravery, of kissing him, right on the street, under street lamp on that era of Iran of being so tight which even being with an opposite sex which you weren’t related to, was a big no to begin with. But I guess you knew what you wanted and you would get it, good for you.
Years later, I came across the other victims of that UN soldier. I call it victim on purpose, because you know that he was really an Iranian, who looked Caucasian, kind of like me, with white skin and blond hair who could fool anybody, and to be honest with you, when you have such a feature, sometimes its fun to do so, I have done that myself number of times. But the funny thing is, right on that moment of kissing, inside me, somewhere between feeling that my heart is being broken, and rage, forcing the blood on every little vein on my face, I said to myself; he is kind of like me! So if she likes him, she likes me!
Just as we passed the Vanak square, you stood up and said; I have to get out at Bijan Street now, I am picking up my brothers wedding photographs. Oh! Ok, I will come with you. No! They know my dad, they shouldn’t see you with me. I will stay outside till you are done. No! It may take a while. Then I saw the look on your gals face, suggesting, with all time everything is cool expression that she always would give to almost anybody; give up! Will you? So will I see you tomorrow? Should I pick you up? Sure, And you gave me one of those smiles that always would make me feel I am on top of the world. Well, here is what you don’t know; I got off the minibus right after you.
It makes you wonder, how your life would be different, if you wouldn’t have made some decisions, thinking about the consequences, if you wouldn’t do something or say something, how you would have been a different person. But you decide to take action, based on what ever your reason would be; adventure, or love, or curiosity or even faith or confidence, or is it lack of all of the above? I guess my reason was partly love and partly un-confidence. Or maybe I was too young. When I think of it now, I wouldn’t do any different and I think all of you would have done the same; following your heart.
